he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
