im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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