Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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