i was born a porn star she said
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
