you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
