I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
