I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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