I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
