I cannot find my penis.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
