please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
