finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
