stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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