if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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