I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
smell my finger.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
