Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My ass is underappreciated
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
