i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
