Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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