She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
