i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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