I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
even my farts smell like vagina
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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