So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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