My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
