drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
