new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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