oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
