You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Randomize
