Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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