I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
