you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
