So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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