Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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