is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh god it's open bar.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
