I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
