After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
