You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
