the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
