im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
