I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
