I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
