she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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