the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
