Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
