i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
