I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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