My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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