I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Welp...herpes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Randomize
