I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?