I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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We left an ass print on the piano.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
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what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.