So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There r osticjed everywhere
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
