It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
