I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
