My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
