Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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