I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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