If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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