oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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