Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
