Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
