someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
