I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
